18 December 2007

In case you missed it, the answer to Huckabee's question is yes

(But don't say anything about it to anyone or think about it yourself. It's unconstitutional!)

Back in February, when Mitt Romney announced his intention to run for president, I suggested that someone should ask him about the Mormon Jesus. And,as we all know, someone did.

I doubt if Mike Huckabee was taking my suggestion, though. He probably doesn't read my blog or visit the SAB.

But it was a good question, nonetheless; and although neither Romney nor the LDS church would answer it, the answer is yes. Mormons believe that Jesus is Satan's older brother.

The question is answered in the Pearl of Great Price, which (along with the Bible and the Book of Mormon) is a part of LDS scripture. So I've decided to include it at the SAB. I've just got started on it (I'm on the first chapter of the Book of Abraham). I'll have more to say about it as I go along.

Until then, here's a good summary of what Mormons believe (but refuse to say) about Jesus.

Oh, and here's a picture of the two brothers. (Jesus is on the right.)

06 December 2007

Don't ask Mitt about his beliefs: It's unconstitutional

Don't ...

... about his Mormon beliefs.
(It's Unconstitutional!)

So now we know why Mitt Romney won't talk about his Mormon beliefs. It's prohibited by the constitution.

Here's what he said in his long-awaited "I'm no Jack Kennedy" speech.

There are some who would have a presidential candidate describe and explain his church's distinctive doctrines. To do so would enable the very religious test the founders prohibited in the Constitution.

So if Mitt's interpretation of the no religious test clause is correct, then reporters can't ask and Mitt can't tell us about his Mormon beliefs.

And voters can't consider a candidate's religious views (no matter how dangerous or bizarre) as a factor in selecting a president. It is unconstitutional for any voter to even think about the fact that Romney wears holy underwear.

I'm sure Mitt wishes it were otherwise. He'd love to share his Mormon faith with us. To explain the details of celestial marriage, the whereabouts of the planet Kolob, baptism of the dead, blood atonement, Jesus' little brother Satan, etc.

But he can't. It would be unconstitutional. He can't talk about it and we can't think about it.

I guess that means he won't have to lie about it anymore.

04 December 2007

Name your dog Muhammad

The Sudanese government released Gillian Gibbons, who was imprisoned for allowing her students to name a teddy bear Muhammad. If it weren't for British intervention, she might have gotten 40 lashes or even faced the death penalty. I guess it offends Muslims when inanimate objects are named Muhammad.

Which is why I now name pretty much everything Muhammad. I named my bike Muhammad, and my favorite rocking chair. And my laptop. I just wish I had a teddy bear. Oh well, maybe Santa will bring me one for Christmas. (Some brave person should sell "Muhammad" teddy bears. She'd probably make a fortune before getting beheaded.)

But the best thing to name Muhammad is a dog.

Muhammad didn't like dogs much. He thought that they were dirty and evil (black ones especially). He said that angels refuse to enter a house if there's dog a inside, and that whatever good deeds a person might do are undone by owning a dog.

So do a good deed that can't be undone. Name your dog Muhammad. (I think I will, if I can talk my wife into letting me have one.)

03 December 2007

Would Jesus Stone Larry Craig?

Someone should ask Mike Huckabee.

Because in last week's YouTube debate, Huckabee said this when asked if he believed in every word of the Bible:

Sure I believe that the Bible is exactly what it is. It's the word of revelation to us from God Himself. And the fact is that when people ask do we believe all of it, you either believe it or you don't believe it.

Well, then, here's what the Bible says about about Larry Craig.

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

So according to Mike Huckabee this commandment is the "revelation to us from God himself" and "you either believe it or you don't believe it."

Huckabee claims to believe it. The question is, would he do it? Would he stone Larry Craig (assuming the recent stories about him are true)?

29 November 2007

The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

Not all of the nine on Cracked.com's list would make it onto mine, but then there are so many badass verses to choose from. Here are some that we can all agree on.

(The first number is the Cracked.com Badass rating; the second is the ranking at TopVerses.com. Believers just don't seem to like these verses much.)

#8 (15,995) 2 Kings 2:23-24

Okay, we've seen this one before. But isn't this a great picture?

And, of course, here's the moral of the story.

#7 (16,648) Ezekiel 23:19-20
No comment is needed on this one.

#4 (26,550)Deuteronomy 25:11-12

The Cracked.com authors (Wong and Ball) explain it this way.

Now, you nervous, liberal types are complaining that this is barbaric and misogynistic. Perhaps, a little context helps. Just a couple of pages earlier, in Deuteronomy 23:1, we get this:

"Emasculated by crushing?" Gah! Everything in the Bible has to be understood in context of the times these people were living in. And, apparently, these people lived in a time when "crushing" the nuts was so common that the crushed-nuts victims were an entire demographic that had to be accounted for in the law. Call these commandments savage if you want, but if you were God, how many nuts would you have to see "crushed" before you overreacted? We're thinking the answer is two.

#1 (8,876) 1 Samuel 18:25-27
This is my personal favorite.

And here's some of Ball and Wong's exegesis.

This passage raises several thousand questions. Just off the top of our head:

What did Saul (the king at the time) want with 100 foreskins? Was he going to make a scarf?

Did David think this was a strange request?

If this was secretly a plan to have David killed, why didn't he require he bring back, say, 100 bear foreskins?

Did David just wander into Philistia and kill the first 200 men he saw? Did they think this was odd? Or, with all the other shit that went down back then, did they just shrug it off?


We're guessing we'll never know. It doesn't matter, because at its heart, this story is about love. For the hand of Micah, David went further than any man would have gone. Way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way further.

Ladies, when a man finally proposes to you, ask him one simple question: "How many dongs would you mutilate for me?" If you demand a hundred and he doesn't blink, he's a keeper. But, if he's David, who was sent after a hundred and then came back with twice that many just for the hell of it, well, you've got a love for the ages.

Which verses are on your list?

09 November 2007

Losing the Lamanites

The LDS church is changing a single word in its introduction to the Book of Mormon.

If you go get your Book of Mormon (or go to LDS.com) you'll find the following words in the last sentence of the second paragraph: "After thousands of years, all were destroyed except the Lamanites, and they are the principal ancestors of the American Indians."

But the new version will say, "After thousands of years, all were destroyed except the Lamanites, and they are among the ancestors of the American Indians."

Now if you haven't read the Book of Mormon, this might not seem like such a big deal to you. But the idea that Native Americans are the degenerate offspring of the Lamanite tribe is absolutely central to the Book of Mormon. In fact, other than Jesus showing up now and then in the New World, there just isn't much else to the silliest book every written.

So why did the leaders of the Mormon church drop the teaching about the Lamanites?

Because they had to.

Of course, anthropologists known for many years that Native Americans migrated from Asia thousands of years ago, long before the Jaredites and the Nephites supposedly made their incredible journeys. But recent DNA evidence makes it impossible to deny any longer. The Book of Mormon is wrong; Native Americans did not descend from the Lamanites.

That is what the LDS church is admitting with the 1-word change in the introduction to the Book of Mormon.

01 November 2007

Most Popular Bible Verses (Jeremiah 19:9 didn't make the list)

What a great idea, eh? Take the 31,101 or so verses in the Bible and rank them by popularity. That's what TopVerses.com did, and guess what verse was number one.

That's right.

But none of my favorite verses made it on the top 10 or even the top 1000 verses. (Although Malachi 2:3 was the 9th most popular verse in Malachi and the top verse in Malachi 2.)

I guess there are some verses that Bible believers just don't like very much. Take Jeremiah 19:9, for example.

And I [God] will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend.

This is clearly a verse that God feels strongly about. Yet it's ranked 21,875!

I'll bet that really ticks God off. (Maybe he'll force believers to eat each other.)

25 October 2007

Suggested Bible stories for the next Barna survey

As I mentioned in my last post, a new Barna survey claims that two thirds of American adults believe in the literal truth of the stories in the Bible, and concludes that "people believe that their personal trust" in the biblical God "is warranted" from these stories.

But of course the entire survey was set up to produce the desired result. The selected stories were the safe and familiar ones found in children's Bibles (and are the only ones that most adults are familiar with today).

I wonder what the result would be if the Bible stories were selected at random. What would happen, for example, if the following six stories were selected?

1) God kills every Egyptian firstborn baby.

At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle .... and there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead. Exodus 12:29-30

2) God sends fiery serpents to bite and kill his people (for complaining).

And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread. And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Numbers 21:5-6

3) Moses commands his soldiers to kill every boy, woman, and female child (except for the virgins).

And Moses was wroth with the officers ... And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:14-18

4) God orders the Israelites to kill every Amalekite man, woman, and child.

Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:2-3

5) David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins.

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies. ... Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:25-27

6) God kills husband and wife for not giving all their money to Peter.
(Or maybe for lying about the amount of money that they had.)

Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet. But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? ... And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: ... And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost. Acts 5:1-10

Would people believe in the literal truth of these stories? Would they still "believe that their personal trust" in the biblical God was "warranted" by them?

Barna should do a survey to find out. (I'll bet the believers would drop from two thirds to two percent.)

24 October 2007

Taking Bible Stories Literally

Oh boy, a new Barna survey is out!

This one is trying to find out if Americans still believe those cute Bible stories they were taught as kids. And, not too surprisingly, most (about 2/3) still do.

Here are the "six renowned Bible stories ... offered to adults for their consideration," along with the overall percentage who believed the story was “literally true, meaning it happened exactly as described in the Bible”:

1) Jesus rising from the dead (75%)

2) Daniel and the lion den (65%)

3) Moses parting the Red Sea (64%)

4) David and Goliath (63%)

5) Peter walking on water (60%)

6) The six-day creation story (60%)

From the survey, the Barna group concluded that "these and other Bible stories inspire people to believe that their personal trust in that powerful God is warranted. Although some people may dismiss such writings as fairy tales for children, the data indicate that the typical American has adopted these accounts as the foundation of a valued faith in God."

Okay. But what I'd like to know is this: Why did Barna choose these six stories for the survey?

I suspect that there are two reasons:

1) They are the stories that most people are familiar with.

2) They are stories that most people can stomach.

The stories are familiar not because most people have read them, but because they were read to them when they were children (and very few have read them since). The text and illustrations made it all seem so appealing, comforting, and certain. They were included in the Barna survey because when it comes to religion, familiarity breeds, not contempt, but acceptance and belief. And belief was what the Barna survey was trying to find.

17 October 2007

New Rule: A Religious Test with Bill Maher

Okay, this "New Rule" is a bit old (It was on Bill Maher's 21 Sept 2007 Real Time show), but it's a good rule to follow.
New rule: just because the constitution doesn't have a religious test for office, doesn't mean I can't.
If you believe you're in a long-term relationship with an all-powerful space daddy who will, after you die, party with your ghost forever, you can't have my vote....
Maybe a president who didn't believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.

Mitt Romney is right about the Bible

It's boring!

Here's what Romney said about it:
I find myself having to read for an hour or so before I can fall asleep. And thanks to the Gideons, I've got good material.
Yes, Mitt is right about that. The Bible is boring. So boring, in fact, I've considered adding it as a separate category at the SAB. Try reading 1 Chronicles sometime. Now that's good Romney bedtime reading material.

But Mitt should give the Book of Mormon a try when he has trouble sleeping. Here's what Mark Twain said about it:
The book is a curiosity to me, it is such a pretentious affair, and yet so "slow," so sleepy; such an insipid mess of inspiration. It is chloroform in print. If Joseph Smith composed this book, the act was a miracle--keeping awake while he did it was, at any rate.
Try the Mitt Romney bedtime test yourself.

Which do you think is more boring?

Landover Baptist Pastor Preaches to Atheists

Jesus, I love to hear Pastor Deacon Fred preach! Here are some excerpts.
When the Lord gets a bee in his bonnet about something, he turns into a killing machine.
Now anyone familiar with this wonderful book [the Bible] will know that if there's one thing that the Lord enjoys more than making free booze at wedding parties, it is killing.
Hosea 13:16 says, 'The people of Samaria must bear their guilt because they have rebelled against their God. They will fall by the sword. Their little ones will be dashed open. Their pregnant women, ripped to pieces.'
Yes that's right. God wants us to constitutionally ban abortion, but he's not above using it to get back at folks that tick him off.
We have an invisible friend on our side who is more powerful and diabolical than this Mohammad fella.


17 September 2007

It's about time someone sued God: Thanks Ernie!

A while back I counted the number of people killed by God in the Bible. I found a total of 2,270,971 (not including cases in which numbers are not given). Now you'd think that a guy with that many killings would have been accused and hopefully convicted of murder by now. Especially when the killer is so darned proud of his killings. But no. No one has ever taken God to court. Until now, that is.

But today Ernie Chambers, a Nebraska State Senator, filed suit in district court (Chambers v. God) against God for making terrorist threats and causing "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects, and the like."

To which I would add, "and admitted to the killing of 2,270,971 people."

13 August 2007

In the beginning ...

God created the heaven and the earth. (Genesis 1:1)

What an opportunity for God (assuming there is a God who had something to do with the Bible) to reveal himself to us all. All that he needed to do is tell us just when the beginning was. Was it a relatively recent event (like a few thousand years ago) or is the universe immensely old (say 13.7 billion years)?

We had no idea, none at all, about the true age of the universe until the last few hundred years. All God had to do was tell us that it was really, really old -- over a million times as old as nearly everyone thought it was. That would have been some impressive evidence for the God of the Bible.

But the Bible's God is a young earth creationist. For although the Bible's begats do not provide a clear creation date (though many believers believe that they do), they do provide a range of possible dates. The universe (if you believe in the Bible) is 5500 to 7500 years old.

So right from the start we know the Bible is wrong. The universe is about 2 million times older than the Bible says that it is.

15 July 2007

The Christopher Hitchens / Douglas Wilson Debate

Somehow I missed the online debate between Christopher Hitchens and Douglas Wilson that took place in May at the Christianity Today website. ("Is Christianity Good for the World?")

I must say that I found it disappointing. Wilson was able to control the debate by avoiding the topic (which was supposed to be about the goodness of Christianity) while forcing Hitchens to explain how an atheist determines what is good. So Hitchens was kept off balance trying to defend his own ethical system, rather than reveal the harm caused by the Bible and Christian belief.

Although Wilson is an entertaining writer and a skilled debater, I am surprised that he was selected by Christianity Today to represent Christians, given his views on the goodness of slavery, the subjection of women, and the need to execute homosexuals, non-believers, disobedient children, etc. But times are changing. Christians are returning to the Bible, the whole Bible, and nothing but the Bible (which is why, at least in my opinion, there are fewer Christians each day).

It is a pity that Christopher Hitchens was unable to reveal Wilson's views in the debate. It is only necessary to list them; anyone with any morals will immediately conclude that such views are not good for the world.

Here is a list of the views of Douglas Wilson and his followers. (As found on the Credenda/Agenda website):

On Slavery

[N]othing is clearer – the New Testament opposes anything like the abolitionism of our country prior to the War Between the States. The New Testament contains many instructions for Christian slave owners, and requires a respectful submissive demeanor for Christian slaves. See, for example, Eph. 6:5-9, Col. 3:22-4:1, and 1 Tim. 6:1-5.
. . .
The reason why many Christians will be tempted to dismiss the arguments presented here is that we have said (out loud) that a godly man could have been a slave owner. But this 'inflammatory' position is the very point upon which the Bible speaks most directly, again and again. In other words, more people will struggle with what we are saying at the point where the Bible speaks most clearly. There is no exegetical vagueness here. Not only is the Bible not politically correct, it was not politically correct one hundred thirty years ago.
. . .
This entire issue of slavery is a wonderful issue upon which to practice. Our humanistic and democratic culture regards slavery in itself as a monstrous evil, and acts as though this were self-evidently true. The Bible permits Christians to own slaves, provided they are treated well. You are a Christian. Whom do you believe?
On the Law, Homosexuality, and the Sin of Pity (1, 2 )
Let's pretend, just for a moment, that we could have it our way. The great revival we have been praying for has occurred, and every executive, legislator, and bureaucrat in the capital has just been saved. Knowing they ought to begin applying Scripture in their jobs, but not knowing how to go about it, they come to you and your church for advice. What will you tell them? How should they apply God's law?

Looking at the Bible with an eye toward applying it in the civil realm, several things become apparent. First, it is pretty small. … [O]n the average, a little over 1,000 pages. Think of the money governments will save on printing and shelf space!

If biblical law is to be biblically applied, then the biblical punishment must be used. … Of course, there would be laws enforced against certain crimes which are currently ignored, such as homosexuality.

The civil magistrate is the minister of God to execute wrath on the wrongdoer (Rom. 13:4). God has not left his civil minister without guidance on how to exercise his office. The Scriptures set forth clear standards of judgment for many offenses. Capital crimes, for example, include premeditated killing (murder), kidnapping, sorcery, bestiality, adultery, homosexuality, and cursing one's parents (Ex. 21:14; 21:16; 22:18; 22:19; Lev. 20:10; 20:13; Ex. 21:17).

In contemporary American jurisprudence, none of these offenses is punishable by death, with the occasional exception of murder. The magistrates have dispensed with God's standards of justice. Some Christians believe this is an improvement. They would be horrified to think that the "harsh" penalties of the law should still be applied. Sometimes this is the result of the mistaken belief that the Old Testament has no further application after the advent of Christ. This is an exegetical problem. Too often, it is the result of a sinful view of the criminal. This sin is called pity. … Why is pity a sin?

First, pity is not always a sin. But neither is it always good. … God included in the law specific prohibitions against the exercise of pity in meting out punishment.

If your brother, the son of your mother, your son or your daughter, the wife of your bosom, or your friend who is as your own soul, secretly entices you, saying, "Let us go and serve other gods,". . . you shall not consent to him or listen to him, nor shall your eye pity him, nor shall you spare him or conceal him; but you shall surely kill him . . . (Deut. 13:6-9).

If two men fight together, and the wife of one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of the one attacking him, and puts out the hand and seizes him by the genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; your eye shall not pity her. (Deut. 25:11, 12).

God commands the judge to evaluate the crime rather than the criminal. If the crime is one for which God requires death, then death must be the punishment. Your eye shall not pity. … Thus, the Bible teaches that pity is not an option where God has decided the matter. The magistrate, God's minister, is to faithfully execute justice according to God's standard, not man's.

On Crime and Punishment
Responsibility for the civil order is placed in the hands of magistrates, who act as God's ministers of wrath against those who do evil (Rom. 13:1-7).

God's law sets forth three basic punishments for crime: death, lashing (essentially, a government-sponsored spanking), and restitution. There is a conspicuous absence of county jails, state penitentiaries, reform schools, and hospitals for the criminally insane. The goal of the sentence is to execute God's wrath….

On Elected Officials
If we have God-hating tyrants ruling over us (and we do), then we must recognize that they rule by our invitation.

First, our rulers are to be able men. … The responsibility of civil, ecclesiastical and family leadership is given to men. … [I]t is an embarrassment and a reproach to the men to have women ruling a nation (Is. 3:12).

The men we choose are to fear God. The unregenerate do not fear God by definition (Rom. 3:18).

We are to choose men of truth. … A man who honestly believes erroneous doctrine may be sincere, but he is also deceived.

From this list of qualifications, it is apparent that, biblically, it is only professing Christians who are qualified to hold public office.

On Disobedient Children
[A] father may (and must) discipline his son, but he may not exercise capital punishment against him on his own authority. Instead, he must bring a son worthy of death to the elders of the city, who are charged with applying the civil penalty (Prov. 13:24; Deut. 21:18-21).
On Church and State (1, 2 )
God has established the magistrate for the purpose of executing His wrath, but He has not made the civil ruler the exclusive authority on the question of when wrath is appropriate. If a matter is too hard for the judges to determine with the knowledge at hand, then they are commanded to take the question to the church for clarification. The church decides, based on God's Word, what judgment should be carried out, and the judges are obliged to pronounce sentence accordingly.

The state wields the sword, and must wield it in submission to God's law. But if the law is not clear on a particular point, and the state has a question about what God's law requires, it is powerless to interpret Scripture on its own authority. Instead, the state must take the question to the church, which has been charged with protecting, interpreting, and teaching the law of God. The leaders of the church are instructed to make a judgment as to what the law requires, but the church does not thereby take up the sword. Rather, the judgment is passed back to the state, and the magistrates then wield the sword in a manner consistent with the judgment of the church.

[I]t is not enough that the civil government give Christianity a place at the table, even if it is the most honored place. … Nor is it sufficient that the magistrate render "personal submission to the spiritual government" of the church. While our rulers should be members of Christ’s covenant household … a Christian who is also an executive, legislator, or judge owes a duty of submission different than that of the ordinary layman.

On Non-Christians (1, 2)
[T]he political leader is the head of the civil covenant. If that head acknowledges that his authority comes from God (as he should), is it enough that he honors God personally? … Or can he also require, for example, oaths of allegiance to the Lord as a prerequisite of citizenship? (Before you balk, keep in mind that we don't have any problem saying pledges of allegiance to mere flags or the nations for which they stand.)

Again, we have no problem making school children dutifully recite the pledge of allegiance, or requiring new citizens to swear oaths of loyalty to the U.S. government. Why can't they also be required to acknowledge the sovereignty of the one true God, and to "zealously renounce all heathen practices?" … Someone who is required to renounce Buddhism as a condition of citizenship is no longer trapped by a spiritual snare, and can't be a snare to anyone else. That is a blessing. Reforming the State is not about forcing people to be Christians. But it is about forcing people to outwardly conform to a Christian standard and about protecting the Christian religion. Historically, the civil magistrate has enforced laws against blasphemy, apostasy, heresy, swearing, and working on the Sabbath. The difficulty is not in defining or punishing these crimes; the difficulty is finding the strength and wisdom to do so.

On Environmentalists
An environmentalist who seeks to "manage" the environment by letting it run wild is disobeying God's command to fill, subdue, and exercise dominion over the earth.

The consequences of environmentalist philosophy are disobedience to God in the short run…. Droughts and famines do not come upon a people who are obedient, but they are promised to those who disobey. An earth left to itself will only yield thorns, thistles, disease, and decay. If Christians are to be obedient to God's dominion mandate, they must oppose the rebellion inherent in environmentalist government policy.

On Pluralism
[T]he Christian magistrate acknowledges there is such a thing as a true church, and that he has a responsibility to nurture that church so that it thrives and to protect it against those things that threaten to do it harm. Obviously, this excludes the idea of pluralism.

26 October 2009 Note: The articles quoted are no longer available at Doug Wilson's Credenda Agenda website. I wonder why. Is he embarrassed by them now that the film Collision is coming out?

In any case, I was able to restore the links via the wayback machine.

The God of the Old Testament (Richard Dawkins)

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.

25 June 2007

The Finger of Jesus

Who was the first person to see Jesus?

You might think it was Mary or Joseph, then maybe the magi, the shepherds, and the little drummer boy. But you'd be wrong. If the Book of Mormon is right, that is.

The first person to see Jesus was the brother of Jared (aka Mahonri Moriancumer). And he saw him more than 2200 years before Jesus was born. (The brother of Jared lived during the time of the Tower of Babel.)

It's a long silly story and I don't have time to repeat it here, but here are a few highlights.

The brother of Jared saw "the finger of the Lord" when Jesus was making some magic lights out of 16 stones that the brother of Jared had formed by melting some rocks.

And it came to pass that the brother of Jared ... did molten out of a rock sixteen small stones; and they were white and clear, even as transparent glass. ...

O Lord, ... behold these things which I have molten out of the rock. ...

... touch these stones, O Lord, with thy finger, and prepare them that they may shine forth in darkness. ...

Behold, O Lord, thou canst do this. ...

And it came to pass that when the brother of Jared had said these words, behold, the Lord stretched forth his hand and touched the stones one by one with his finger. And the veil was taken from off the eyes of the brother of Jared, and he saw the finger of the Lord. Ether 3:1-6

Okay, he didn't get to see all of Jesus, but he saw his finger. And that was spooky enough -- for both of them apparently.

I saw the finger of the Lord, and I feared lest he should smite me. ...

And the Lord said unto him ... Sawest thou more than this? Ether 3:8-9

Finally, after a bit more discussion, Jesus shows his whole body to the brother of Jared, and reveals that he is not only the Son of God but also the Father.

Behold, the Lord showed himself unto him,and said ... I show myself unto you. ...

Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son. Ether 3:13-14

So what's-his-name got to see not only the finger of Jesus but the whole enchilada, Father and Son.

I'll bet it looked a lot like this.

06 June 2007

Giving up on the Bible

Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. Exodus 22:18

Some things in the Bible are hard to understand. But this isn't one of them.

The meaning of Exodus 22:18 is clear and simple: kill witches. Kill them whenever and wherever you find them. It is your sacred duty, a direct command from God.

But Christians don't kill witches anymore, do they? Is that because they no longer believe in witches or in the Bible, or both?

John Wesley said that "the giving up of witchcraft is, in effect, the giving up of the Bible."

And he was right about that.

It's time for us all to give up on the Bible. Killing witches was never a good idea, and a good God would never inspire the words of Exodus 22:18.

28 May 2007

Getting a tan from the Book of Mormon

The Book of Mormon is black and white about skin color.

White skin is good and "delightsome"; black skin is bad and "loathsome". In fact, God created dark skin just to punish people for their bad behavior.

And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people. 2 Nephi 5:21-22
This color-coding scheme was designed by God to separate the good from the bad and to keep them forever separate. God will curse the children that result from any "seed mixing".
And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. And the Lord spake it, and it was done. 2 Nephi 5:23
And the difference between the races is much more than skin deep. God not only darkened the skin of people of color; he made them lazy, wild, and mischievous, as well.
And because of their cursing which was upon them they did become an idle people, full of mischief and subtlety, and did seek in the wilderness for beasts of prey. 2 Nephi 5:24

[But people of color shouldn't give up all hope. God's curse can be undone, at least in certain circumstances. An especially well-behaved dark-skinned person may become white and delightsome again! (See 3 Nephi 2:14-16)]

And readers of this blog should take note: God may cause your skin to darken if you spend your time dwindling in unbelief.

And the angel said unto me: Behold these shall dwindle in unbelief. And it came to pass that I beheld, after they had dwindled in unbelief they became a dark, and loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations. 1 Nephi 12:22-23
But then, that might not be such a bad thing. You'll be loathsome, filthy, lazy, and abominable to God, but you'll get a nice, safe tan out of it!

27 April 2007

Everything in the Old Testament points to Jesus

Christians often say that everything in the Old Testament points to Jesus. But do they really believe it?

Does Malachi 2:3 point to Christ?

Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces.

How about Ezekiel 23:20?

For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.

Deuteronomy 25:11-12?

When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

All the nasty, cruel, absurd stuff in the Old Testament points to Jesus?

If I were a Christian, I think I'd point these verses at someone else.

15 April 2007

How many species did Adam name?

And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. Genesis 2:19-20

So how many species did Adam name?

Well, if you believe the Genesis story, "every living creature" was directly and immediately created by God in that failed matchmaking attempt. God hoped that one of them (the bot fly maybe) would strike Adam's fancy, but none of them did. Shucks! So God created Eve instead.

In the process, though, Adam named all of the species that God created. And he did it in a single afternoon.

So why is it taking us so long? Thousands of biologists have been working for for nearly 350 years, yet they still haven't named them all.

About ten days ago, the Integrated Taxonomic Information System (ITIS) recorded its millionth species. But that leaves another 750,000 known species that have yet to be included. And no one knows (except maybe Adam and God) how many unknown species are still out there. Some estimates put it at as many as ten million or so (not including extinct species).

So Adam must have identified and named millions of species on that fine afternoon in the garden of Eden. 350,000 species of beetles, 120,000 flies, 100,000 parasitic wasps, 20,000 nematodes. And he was just getting started. He must have needed that nap after he was done. (I sympathize with Adam. I spent a few hours this afternoon trying to identify a half dozen aquatic invertebrates.)

But it was all part of God's plan. He was trying to find a mate for Adam and he just got carried away with beetles, flies, wasps, and worms. Stuff like that happens in the Bible.

28 March 2007

The Best Book in the Bible (Revisted)

In my last post, I tried to find the best book in the Bible by summing up the number of good things (that I could find) in each book. When goodness is measured in that way, Proverbs is the winner, with 56 good passages.

But Proverbs is, as Bible books go, a fairly big book. So I repeated the analysis using as the measure of goodness the number of good things per 100 verses. With this metric, Ecclesiastes (17.12) is by far the best book in the Bible. (The next best, James, has less than half as many, 8.33.)

There's still a problem, though (as Jason Macker pointed out), with this measure of goodness. A book might have a few good things to say, but have twice as many cruel and intolerant ideas. How can the amount of bad stuff be accounted for in the goodness metric?

Well, here's the way I did it. As before, I totalled the number of good things in each book, but I subtracted the number of bad things. That way, I come up the book's "net goodness." (I totalled cruelty, injustice, intolerance, family values, women, and homosexuality to get the number of bad things, since the verses marked with these categories are all morally objectionable.)

Here's how it looks with this metric.

Book Net Goodness (good - bad)
Ecclesiastes 36
Proverbs 7
Jonah 0
James 0
3 John 0
Philippians -1
Philemon -1
Galatians -2
Song of Solomon -3
1 Thessalonians -3
Colossians -4
2 John -4
Nehemiah -5
Haggai -5
1 John -5
Jude -5
Joel -6
Ruth -7
Ezra -7
Habakkuk -7
Titus -7
1 Peter -7
Daniel -8
Ephesians -8
Obadiah -9
2 Thessalonians -11
2 Timothy -12
Nahum -13
2 Peter -13
Malachi -14
2 Corinthians -14
1 Timothy -14
Hebrews -14
Esther -20
Romans -25
Job -26
Lamentations -26
Zephaniah -28
Mark -28
1 Chronicles -29
Micah -31
John -31
1 Corinthians -32
Zechariah -37
Acts -42
Amos -50
Luke -50
2 Chronicles -52
Hosea -54
Joshua -69
1 Kings -75
2 Kings -82
2 Samuel -84
Matthew -86
Isaiah -90
Revelation -90
Judges -104
1 Samuel -104
Numbers -109
Leviticus -116
Exodus -144
Psalms -145
Ezekiel -145
Genesis -164
Deuteronomy -222
Jeremiah -247

So using this metric, Ecclessiates is the best book, with a net goodness of 36. The next best is Proverbs with 7.

What is surprising (to me anyway) is that these are the only two good books in the Bible. The other 64 are either neutral, with a net goodness of zero (Jonah, James, and 3 John), or bad (net goodness < 0).

But, as before, these values do not take into account the size of the book. To account for size, I found the net number of good verses per 100 verses. Here is the result, ranked from best to worst.

Book Net good per 100 verses
Ecclesiastes 16.22
Proverbs 0.77
Jonah 0.00
James 0.00
3 John 0.00
Philippians -0.96
Nehemiah -1.23
Galatians -1.34
Daniel -2.24
Job -2.43
Ezra -2.50
Song of Solomon -2.56
1 Chronicles -3.08
1 Thessalonians -3.37
John -3.53
Philemon -4.00
Mark -4.13
Acts -4.17
Colossians -4.21
Luke -4.34
Hebrews -4.62
1 John -4.76
Ephesians -5.16
2 Corinthians -5.45
Romans -5.77
Psalms -5.89
2 Chronicles -6.33
1 Peter -6.67
Isaiah -6.97
1 Corinthians -7.32
Matthew -8.03
Joel -8.22
Ruth -8.24
Numbers -8.46
1 Kings -9.19
Joshua -10.49
Genesis -10.70
Ezekiel -11.39
2 Kings -11.40
Exodus -11.87
Esther -11.98
2 Samuel -12.09
1 Timothy -12.39
Habakkuk -12.50
1 Samuel -12.84
Haggai -13.16
Leviticus -13.50
2 Timothy -14.46
Titus -15.22
Judges -16.83
Lamentations -16.88
Zechariah -17.54
Jeremiah -18.11
Jude -20.00
2 Peter -21.31
Revelation -22.28
Deuteronomy -23.15
2 Thessalonians -23.40
Malachi -25.45
Hosea -27.41
Nahum -27.66
Micah -29.52
2 John -30.77
Amos -34.25
Obadiah -42.86
Zephaniah -52.83

Once again, Ecclesiastes is the best, with over 16 net good things per 100 verses. The only other good book, as judged by this metric, is Proverbs, with less than one net good thing per 100 verses. All the other books in the Bible (including all the New Testament) are either no good or just plain bad.

(The overall average for the Bible is 9.02 net bad things / 100 verses.
See here for more "good stuff" analysis.)

28 February 2007

Islamic Teachings: Cruelty From The Qur'an (reloaded)

Nick's video on the Quran is up again at YouTube.

Some things are never out of context.

25 February 2007

A duck with four legs: "It shall be an abomination unto you"

"Stumpy the four-legged duckling is basking in the spotlight after being unveiled to the world. The bird, now just eight days old, has suffered a rare genetic mutation which has left it with two legs behind the two he runs about on."

Okay, Stumpy is kind of cute. But he's an abomination to God and to all true Bible-believers. It's one of the few things that the Bible is clear about.

"All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you." Leviticus 11:20

20 February 2007

Cruelty from the Bible: Genesis-Leviticus

Mitt Romney's Jesus: Father, Son, and Satan's older brother

Oh my heck! Mitt Romney's going to do it. (Run for president, that is.)

I hope reporters will ask, and Mitt will answer, questions about his religious views. Like what does he think about Jesus?

Is Jesus both the Father and the Son, as it so clearly says in the Book of Mormon?

God himself shall come down among the children of men, and shall redeem his people. And because he dwelleth in flesh he shall be called the Son of God, and having subjected the flesh to the will of the Father, being the Father and the Son -- The Father, because he was conceived by the power of God; and the Son, because of the flesh; thus becoming the Father and Son -- And they are one God, yea, the very Eternal Father of heaven and of earth. Mosiah 15:1-3

Is the Son of God the very Eternal Father? ... Yea, he is the very Eternal Father. Alma 11:38-39

Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Father of heaven and of earth. Helaman 14:12

Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son. Ether 3:14

For behold, I [Jesus] am the Father. Ether 4:12

So Mitt's Jesus is his own father. And he is also, according to the Book of Abraham, Satan's older brother.

(The Books of Abraham and Moses are not part of the Book of Mormon. They're in the Pearl of Great Price, which is included in Mormon Scripture.)

Since the quotes from the Pearl of Great Price are a bit hard to understand, I'll let the LDS church explain it all for us.

Our Father said, "Whom shall I send?" (Abraham 3:27). Two of our brothers offered to help. Our oldest brother, Jesus Christ, who was then called Jehovah, said, "Here am I, send me" (Abraham 3:27).
Satan, who was called Lucifer, also came, saying, "Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost, and surely I will do it; wherefore give me thine honor" (Moses 4:1).
After hearing both sons speak, Heavenly Father said, "I will send the first" (Abraham 3:27). LDS.org

So there you have it. Mitt's Jesus, who used to be called Jehovah, is the Father (or ex-Father) and the Son, as well as the older brother of Satan. He is brother and father to us all -- which makes him, I guess, since he is his own father, our very own grandpa.

I hope brother Romney will be asked about that during the campain.

27 January 2007

King David's amazing census

You just never know what's going to piss off the God of the Bible.

Take King David's censis, for example. The whole thing was God's idea, if you believe Second Samuel, anyway.

And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah. 2 Samuel 24:1

But if you believe First Chronicles, it wasn't God's idea; it was Satan's.

And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel. 1 Chronicles 21:1

So what's a Bible-believer to believe here? Did God tell David to "Go, number Israel and Judah"? Or did Satan provoke "David to number Israel"? Or did the Dynamic Duo conspire together to make David do it? They worked together before to torment Job. Maybe they teamed up again to make David have a census. You just never know what those two might do.

But whoever was responsible for the dastardly census (Satan and/or God), it was David that God blamed. And God was really pissed off about it, too. So you might expect God to punish David for the census and he and/or Satan inspired, right?

Well, not exactly. Here's what God did according to 2 Samuel.

For when David was up in the morning, the word of the LORD came unto the prophet Gad, David's seer, saying, Go and say unto David, Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things; choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. So Gad came to David, and told him, and said unto him, Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days' pestilence in thy land? 2 Samuel 24:11-13

God decided not to punish David for the Divine/Satanic census. No, God liked David too much for that. So he decided to punish the people instead. But the Divine Decider just couldn't decide what punishment would be the most just. So he let David choose from three choices:

  1. Seven years of famine,
  2. Three months of war, or
  3. Three days of pestilence

But David couldn't decide, so God chose option 3 for him, and 70,000 men (no one bothered to count women and children) died.

You can read all about it in 2 Samuel 21.

And David said unto Gad, I am in a great strait: let us fall now into the hand of the LORD; for his mercies are great: and let me not fall into the hand of man. So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beersheba seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24:14-15

But if you believe that story, don't read the 1 Chronicles account. Here's what it says.

And the LORD spake unto Gad, David's seer, saying, Go and tell David, saying, Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things: choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. So Gad came to David, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Choose thee Either three years' famine; or three months to be destroyed before thy foes, while that the sword of thine enemies overtaketh thee; or else three days the sword of the LORD, even the pestilence, in the land, and the angel of the LORD destroying throughout all the coasts of Israel. Now therefore advise thyself what word I shall bring again to him that sent me. And David said unto Gad, I am in a great strait: let me fall now into the hand of the LORD; for very great are his mercies: but let me not fall into the hand of man. So the LORD sent pestilence upon Israel: and there fell of Israel seventy thousand men. 1 Chronicles 21:8-12

So was option 1 seven or three years of famine? No wonder poor David couldn't decide! God's options as communicated by Gad were not clearly stated.

But at least both storytellers agree on the number of innocent people killed by God for a census that God and/or Satan inspired: 70,000 men (God only knows how many women and children he killed).

Stories like this can only be found in the Bible.

22 January 2007

An excuse to buy Playboy (for me anyway)

Playing Devil's Advocate:
Blogger Steve Wells has counted the number of people killed in the Bible. God takes the lives of 2,270,365 (not including the victims of Noah's flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, and the many plagues and famines, etc.). Satan is repsonsible for only 10 deaths, those of Job's seven sons and three daughters.
Playboy Magazine, February 2007, Page 21

13 January 2007

How many has God killed? (Complete list and estimated total)

kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. -- Deuteronomy 32:39-42

In a previous post, I've listed and counted God's killings in the Bible. But I only included those that said exactly how many were killed by God. I came up with 2,476,633.

But that didn't include some of God's most impressive slaughters. How many did God drown in the flood or burn to death in Sodom and Gomorrah? How many first-born Egyptians did he kill? The Bible doesn't say, so there's no way to know for sure. But it's possible to provide rough estimates in order to get a grand total, and that's what I'm attempting here.

Total with estimates: 25 million.

Here is a complete list of all of God's killings in the Bible.

Much more information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:

Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible

12 January 2007

God's uncounted killings revisited (with estimates for the number of victims)

It's impossible to know how many people God killed in the Bible.

Sometimes the Bible provides a number, sometimes it doesn't. In previous posts, I left out the un-numbered victims from the total, and just provided a list. But I'm frequently asked for a grand total, however inexact it might be. So here, once again, is the list of God's uncounted killings, with rough estimates of the number of victims. In my next post, I'll use these to get an estimate of the total death toll.

  1. God drowns everyone on earth.
    And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth. Genesis 7:23, Brick Testament

    God supposedly drowned the entire human population (except for Noah and his family) in a flood, somewhere around 2400 BCE. Wikipedia estimates the human population in the third millineum BCE to be around 30 million.

  2. God rains fire and brimstone on Sodom and Gomorrah, killing everyone.
    the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven. Genesis 19:24, BT

    No one knows what the population of Sodom and Gomorrah might have been at the time they were supposedly destroyed by God, or even if they ever existed at all. But Accuracy in Genesis says it was 600 to 1200. And they ought to know. So I just made it an even thousand.

  3. The Seventh Plague: Hail
    And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast. Exodus 9:25, BT

    Wikipedia says the Egyptian population to be 3 - 5 million at the time the Exodus supposedly happened. So if maybe 1% of the Egyptians were in the field at the time, that would mean that about 30 - 50 thousand would have been killed by God's hailstorm. I used 30,000.

  4. God kills all the firstborn Egyptian children.
    At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon. Exodus 12:29, BT

    According to Exodus 12:37 there were 600,000 Hebrew men that left Egypt. So the total number of Israelites must have been several million, when women and children are included. If there were several million Israelite slaves, there must have been many more Egyptians. Let's say there were twice as many. That would make 6 million Egyptians. If one-sixth of them were first born sons, a million Egyptians were killed by God (or the angel sent by God to do his dirty work for him).

  5. God drowns Pharaoh's army in the sea.
    And the waters returned, and covered the chariots, and the horsemen, and all the host of Pharaoh that came into the sea after them; there remained not so much as one of them. Exodus 14:28, BT

    Since there's no way of knowing how many were supposed to have drowned, I just picked a number. 1000. I'll be (over)using that number a lot in these estimates.

  6. God and Moses help Joshua kill the Amalekites.
    And Joshua discomfited Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword. Exodus 17:13, BT

  7. God burned to death an unknown number for complaining.
    And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them. Numbers 11:1, BT

  8. God sent "a very great plague" for complaining about the food.
    And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. Numbers 11:33, BT

    Since this was a "very great plague," I figure at least 10,000 must have died.

  9. God killed those who murmured with a plague.
    Those men that did bring up the evil report upon the land, died by the plague before the LORD. Numbers 14:36-37, BT

    How many would die in a regular plague? 100 or so maybe?

  10. Massacre of the Aradites
    And the LORD hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities. Numbers 21:3, BT

    Since God "utterly destroyed" several cities, at least a few thousand must have died.

  11. For complaining about the lack of food and water, God sent fiery serpents to bite the people, and many of them died.
    Numbers 21:6, BT

    I figure "many" is maybe 100 or so.

  12. God delivers the Bashanites into Moses' hands and Moses kills everyone "until there was none left alive."
    And the LORD said unto Moses, Fear him not: for I have delivered him into thy hand, and all his people ... So they smote him, and his sons, and all his people, until there was none left him alive. Numbers 21:34-35, BT

  13. The slaughter of the Anakim, the childen of Esau, and the Horim
    A people great, and many, and tall, as the Anakims; but the LORD destroyed them ... As he did to the children of Esau, which dwelt in Seir, when he destroyed the Horims from before them ... And the Avims ... the Caphtorims ... destroyed them, and dwelt in their stead. -- Deuteronomy 2:21-22

    The usual 1000 from each group.

  14. God hardened the king of Heshbon's heart so that the Israelites could massacre his people. (included several cities)
    And the LORD our God delivered him before us; and we smote him, and his sons, and all his people. And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain: -- Deuteronomy 2:33-34, BT

  15. God delievered the king of Bashan so that the Israelites could massacre his people.
    So the LORD our God delivered into our hands Og also, the king of Bashan, and all his people: and we smote him until none was left to him remaining. ... threescore cities ... And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city. -- Deuteronomy 3:3-6, BT

    60 cities were "utterly destroyed." That ought to be at least 60,000.

  16. Massacre of Jericho
    And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city [Jericho], both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword. -- Joshua 6:21, BT

  17. God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them "along the way" as they try to escape.
    And the LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way ... the LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them unto Azekah, and they died: they were more which died with hailstones than they whom the children of Israel slew with the sword. -- Joshua 10:10-11

  18. Massacre of 7 cities (Makkedah, Libnah, Lachish, Gezer, Eglon, Hebron, and Debir
    So Joshua smote all the country of the hills, and of the south, and of the vale, and of the springs, and all their kings: he left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God of Israel commanded. Joshua 10:28-42, BT

    The massacre of 7 cities. At least another 7,000 must have died.

  19. God delivers the Hazorites.
    The LORD delivered them into the hand of Israel ... and they smote them, until they left them none remaining. -- Joshua 11:8-12, BT

  20. Massacre of the Anakim
    Joshua 11:20-21, BT

  21. Massacre of the Canaanites
    Judges 4:15, BT

  22. God delivered the Ammonites to Jephthah to slaughter.
    The LORD delivered them into [Jephthah's] hands. And he smote them ... with a very great slaughter. -- Judges 11:32-33

  23. God forces the Philistine soldiers to kill each other.
    Every man's sword was against his fellow, and there was a very great discomfiture. -- 1 Samuel 14:20

  24. God orders Saul to kill every Amalekite man, women, and child.
    Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. ... And Saul smote the Amalekites ... and utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword. -- 1 Samuel 15:2-18

    If this Bible story is true (which it isn't, of course), how many Amalekites were killed at God's command? I originally gave it the usual 1000 for a standard massacre, but Saul sent 210,000 soldiers to do the killing. He wouldn't send that many soldiers to kill only 1000 civilians, would he? So I've increased it to 10,000.

  25. God delivers the Philistines.
    I will deliver the Philistines into thine hand. So David ... smote them with a great slaughter. -- 1 Samuel 23:2-5

  26. God delivers the Philistines to David (again).
    And David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up to the Philistines? ... And the LORD said unto David, Go up: for I will doubtless deliver the Philistines into thine hand. ... And David did so, as the LORD had commanded him; and smote the Philistines." -- 2 Samuel 5:19, 25

  27. God sent a three-year famine because of something Saul did.
    Then there was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. And the LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites." -- 2 Samuel 21:1

  28. Baasha killed everyone in the house of Jeroboam "according to the saying of the Lord."
    He smote all the house of Jeroboam; he left not to Jeroboam any that breathed, until he had destroyed him, according unto the saying of the LORD. -- 1 Kings 15:29-30

  29. Zimri killed everyone in the house of Baasha "according to the word of the Lord."
    He slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall ... according to the word of the LORD. -- 1 Kings 16:11-12

  30. God calls for a seven year famine.
    The LORD hath called for a famine; and it shall also come upon the land seven years. -- 2 Kings 8:1

  31. Jehu shows his zeal for the Lord by murdering "all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him according to the word of the Lord."
    Come with me, and see my zeal for the LORD. ... And when he came to Samaria, he slew all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him, according to the saying of the LORD, which he spake to Elijah. -- 2 Kings 10:16-17

  32. God delivered the Israelites into the hand of the Chaldeans.
    The wrath of the LORD arose against his people, till there was no remedy. Therefore he brought upon them the king of the Chaldees, who slew their young men with the sword in the house of their sanctuary, and had no compassion upon young man or maiden, old man, or him that stooped for age: he gave them all into his hand. -- 2 Chronicles 36:16-17

  33. God and Satan kill Job's 10 children and all of his servants. The Bible doesn't say how many servants Job had, but it does say (Job 1:3) that he had 7000 sheep, 3000 camels, 500 oxen, 500 she-asses, and "a very great household." So he must have had a bunch of servants (slaves). I'll just say 50.
    And there came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them: And the Sabeans fell upon them, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The Chaldeans made out three bands, and fell upon the camels, and have carried them away, yea, and slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 1:14-17