28 February 2015

Possibly Gay Bible Stories #5: Elisha and the dead boy

From Chapter 4 of Strange Flesh: The Bible and Homosexuality
I believe that it is fun to play with the Scriptures to see what they might hold for us if we are willing to use our imagination. -Thomas Bohache1
The Bible is a big book that is filled with stories. So it’s not surprising that some of them involve, or appear to involve, homosexuality in one way or another. In most cases, though, it’s a matter of interpretation (and imagination). So let your imagination run wild as you read these stories. Imagination is often the key to a gay interpretation.

5. Elisha and the dead boy

Elisha2 was Elijah’s disciple, and when it came to raising little boys from the dead, his master must have taught him well.3

The story begins when a woman from Shunem befriends Elisha. She immediately recognized him as a man of God, so she fed him and asked her husband to give him a place to stay.

Elisha passed to Shunem, where was a great woman; and she constrained him to eat bread. And so it was, that as oft as he passed by, he turned in thither to eat bread. And she said unto her husband, Behold now, I perceive that this is an holy man of God, which passeth by us continually. Let us make a little chamber, I pray thee, on the wall; and let us set for him there a bed, and a table, and a stool, and a candlestick: and it shall be, when he cometh to us, that he shall turn in thither. 2 Kings 4:8-10
So Elisha stayed in the room they made for him.
And... he came thither, and he turned into the chamber, and lay there. 2 Kings 4:11
Elisha wanted to repay the woman and her husband. So he asked his servant, Gehazi, to look into it. Gehazi said, “Well, she has no children and her husband is old.”
He said to Gehazi his servant … What then is to be done for her? And Gehazi answered, Verily she hath no child, and her husband is old. 4:12-14
Which gave Elisha an idea. He’d make the old woman pregnant!
He said, Call her. And when he had called her, she stood in the door. And he said, About this season, according to the time of life, thou shalt embrace a son. 4:15
The woman thought that was a crazy idea. She and her husband were too old to have kids.
And she said, Nay, my lord, thou man of God, do not lie unto thine handmaid. 4:16
But Elisha made her pregnant anyway. And she had a baby boy. (In the Bible boys always result from miracle pregnancies.)4
And the woman conceived, and bare a son at that season that Elisha had said unto her, according to the time of life. 4:17
Years later, the boy was out helping his dad when he grabbed his head and cried out, “My head, My head.”
When the child was grown, it fell on a day, that he went out to his father to the reapers. And he said unto his father, My head, my head. 4:18-19
By the time they got back to the house, the boy was dead.
And when he had taken him, and brought him to his mother, he sat on her knees till noon, and then died. 4:20
The woman put her dead son on Elisha’s bed and went to find Elisha on Mount Carmel.
And she went up, and laid him on the bed of the man of God, and shut the door upon him, and went out. So she went and came unto the man of God to mount Carmel. 4:21-25
When she found him, she said, “Why did you give me a son? I didn’t ask for one!”
Then she said, Did I desire a son of my lord? did I not say, Do not deceive me? 4:28
Elisha responded by telling his servant Gehazi to gird his loins, go back to Shunem, and lay Elisha’s staff on the face of the child.
He said to Gehazi, Gird up thy loins, and take my staff in thine hand, and go thy way … and lay my staff upon the face of the child. 4:29
So Gehazi traveled to Shunem and laid Elisha’s staff on the dead boy’s face. (The body must have been a bit stinky by now since Shunem is about 20 miles from Mount Carmel.)5
And Gehazi ... laid the staff upon the face of the child. 4:31a

But shucks! The magic trick didn’t work.

But there was neither voice, nor hearing. 4:31b
Gehazi went back to Mount Carmel to tell Elisha the bad news.
Wherefore he went again to meet him, and told him, saying, The child is not awaked. 4:31b
So Elisha returned to Shunem to take care of things himself. When he arrived, he went into the room, closed the door, and prayed to God.
And when Elisha was come into the house, behold, the child was dead, and laid upon his bed. He went in therefore, and shut the door upon them twain, and prayed unto the LORD. 4:32-33
Then he lay down on top of the dead boy’s body, put his mouth on the boy’s mouth, his eyes on the boy’s eyes, and his hands on the boy’s hands.
And he went up, and lay upon the child, and put his mouth upon his mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon his hands. 4:34a
While still in this position, he stretched himself upon the dead boy’s body until the flesh began to warm.
And [he] stretched himself upon the child; and the flesh of the child waxed warm. 4:34b

But Elisha still wasn’t through. He got off of the boy and walked around a bit.

Then he returned, and walked in the house to and fro. 4:35a
Then he lay down on top of the warming body until the boy sneezed seven times.
And [he] went up, and stretched himself upon him: and the child sneezed seven times. 4:35b
And with that, the boy opened his eyes.
And the child opened his eyes. 4:35c
Now that was a strange story, wasn’t it? But it might be even stranger. Here’s how Keith Sharpe explains it in The Gay Gospels,
Obviously the staff ... is a symbol for Elisha's penis. However ... without the rest of his body being there to call down the full force of Yahweh's energy the penis substitute is impotent."6
The miracle required the real thing. When Elisha supplied that, the boy's dead body became warm. And when the boy came to life for real, he sneezed seven times.

Jennings, as usual, goes a bit further suggesting that there was more to this sneezing thing than meets the eye.

Sneezing… is like another act -- the act of ejaculation. Ejactulating seven times is a sign of rather extraordinary vitality. … Elisha’s act of getting upon the boy … is an act of sexual arousal, whose success is represented not only by erection … but also by multiple ejaculation.7
Anyway, the story shows how much God loves homosexuality. But then I guess that's kind of obvious, what with Leviticus 20:13 and all.
    1. Thomas Bohache, “To Cut or Not to Cut” in Take Back the Word: A Queer Reading of the Bible, p.228.

    2. Elisha is perhaps best known for sending two bears to kill 42 boys for making fun of his bald head.

    As he [Elisha] was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:23-24

    3. See Possibly Gay Bible Stories: 4. Elijah stretched himself on the child three times

    4. Here is a list of the Bible’s miracle births. All resulted in baby boys.

    Isaac, Genesis 18:10-15, 21:1-2
    Jacob and Esau, Genesis 25:21-26
    Joseph, Genesis 30:22-24
    Samson, Judges 13:2-24
    Samuel, 1 Samuel 1:5-20
    The Shunammite woman’s son, 2 Kings 4:14-17
    John the Baptist, Luke 1:5-13
    Jesus, Luke 1:27-38

    5. Easton’s Bible Dictionary: Shunem

    6. Keith Sharpe, The Gay Gospels: Good News for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered People, p.133.

    7. Theoldore W. Jennings, Jacob's Wound: Homoerotic Narrative in the Literature of Ancient Israel, p.104.

26 February 2015

EJ&T - Ezra and Nehemiah: Abandon your strange wives and their strange children

In the Every Jot and Tittle project, I am listing all of the Bible's commandments from Genesis to Revelation, in accordance with Jesus's words in Matthew 5:18-19. I have no idea how many commandments I'll find, but Jewish tradition claims there are 613. See here for a list of those that I've found so far.

  1. Don't tax priests, Levites, singers, porters, Nethinim, or ministers of the house of God.
  2. Also we certify you, that touching any of the priests and Levites, singers, porters, Nethinims, or ministers of this house of God, it shall not be lawful to impose toll, tribute, or custom, upon them. ... Blessed be the LORD God of our fathers, which hath put such a thing as this in the king's heart. Ezra 7:24-27

  3. Set magistrates and judges to judge and teach the people according to God's commandments.
  4. And thou, Ezra, after the wisdom of thy God, that is in thine hand, set magistrates and judges, which may judge all the people that are beyond the river, all such as know the laws of thy God; and teach ye them that know them not. ... Blessed be the LORD God of our fathers, which hath put such a thing as this in the king's heart. Ezra 7:25-27

  5. Kill, banish, imprison, and/or confiscate the goods of anyone who refuses to obey the commandments of God or the law of the king.
  6. Whosoever will not do the law of thy God, and the law of the king, let judgment be executed speedily upon him, whether it be unto death, or to banishment, or to confiscation of goods, or to imprisonment. Blessed be the LORD God of our fathers, which hath put such a thing as this in the king's heart. Ezra 7:26-27

  7. If you wrongly take any strange wives, abandon them, along with your sons and daughters that were born of your strange ex-wives.
  8. Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives, and such as are born of them, according to the counsel of my lord, and of those that tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law. Ezra 10:3

  9. Don't buy any food on the Sabbath or holy day.
  10. If the people of the land bring ware or any victuals on the sabbath day to sell, that we would not buy it of them on the sabbath, or on the holy day. Nehemiah 10:31

  11. Give one third of a shekel each year for the service of the house of God.
  12. Also we made ordinances for us, to charge ourselves yearly with the third part of a shekel for the service of the house of our God Nehemiah 10:32

  13. Cast lots to determine who will bring the wood offering to the house of God.
  14. And we cast the lots among the priests, the Levites, and the people, for the wood offering, to bring it into the house of our God, after the houses of our fathers, at times appointed year by year, to burn upon the altar of the LORD our God, as it is written in the law: Nehemiah 10:34

24 February 2015

EJ&T - 2 Chronicles: Don't love those who hate the Lord

In the Every Jot and Tittle project, I am listing all of the Bible's commandments from Genesis to Revelation, in accordance with Jesus's words in Matthew 5:18-19. I have no idea how many commandments I'll find, but Jewish tradition claims there are 613. See here for a list of those that I've found so far.

  1. Kill whoever will not seek the Lord.
  2. Whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman. And they sware unto the LORD with a loud voice, and with shouting, and with trumpets, and with cornets. And all Judah rejoiced at the oath: for they had sworn with all their heart, and sought him with their whole desire; and he was found of them: and the LORD gave them rest round about. 2 Chronicles 15:13-15

  3. When you are sick, ask God (not physicians) to cure your illness.
  4. And Asa in the thirty and ninth year of his reign was diseased in his feet, until his disease was exceeding great: yet in his disease he sought not to the LORD, but to the physicians. 2 Chronicles 16:12
    The moral of the story about Asa's foot disease is that sick people should ask God (not physicians) to heal them. But when it's combined with the following verse from James, it becomes a commandment.
    Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick ... pray one for another, that ye may be healed. James 5:14-16

  5. Don't help the ungodly.
  6. And Jehu the son of Hanani the seer went out to meet him, and said to king Jehoshaphat, Shouldest thou help the ungodly? ... Therefore is wrath upon thee from before the LORD. 2 Chronicles 19:2

  7. Don't love those that hate the Lord.
  8. And Jehu the son of Hanani the seer went out to meet him, and said to king Jehoshaphat, Shouldest thou ... love them that hate the LORD? therefore is wrath upon thee from before the LORD.2 Chronicles 19:2

  9. Take away the groves out of the land.
  10. Nevertheless there are good things found in thee [Jehoshaphat], in that thou hast taken away the groves out of the land. 2 Chronicles 19:3

  11. Purify your heart.
  12. Purify your hearts, ye double minded. James 4:8

  13. Only priests may enter the house of the Lord to burn incense. Anyone else who tries it shall be killed (or given leprosy by God).
  14. Let none come into the house of the LORD, save the priests ... whosoever else cometh into the house, he shall be put to death. 2 Chronicles 23:6-7

    He [Uzziah] transgressed against the LORD his God, and went into the temple of the LORD to burn incense upon the altar of incense. And Azariah the priest went in after him, and with him fourscore priests of the LORD, that were valiant men: And they withstood Uzziah the king, and said unto him, It appertaineth not unto thee, Uzziah, to burn incense unto the LORD, but to the priests the sons of Aaron, that are consecrated to burn incense: go out of the sanctuary; for thou hast trespassed; neither shall it be for thine honour from the LORD God. Then Uzziah was wroth, and had a censer in his hand to burn incense: and while he was wroth with the priests, the leprosy even rose up in his forehead ... behold, he was leprous in his forehead, and they thrust him out from thence; yea, himself hasted also to go out, because the LORD had smitten him. And Uzziah the king was a leper unto the day of his death. 2 Chronicles 26:16-21

  15. Don't sacrifice or burn incense in high places, on hills, or under green trees.
  16. He [Ahaz] sacrificed also and burnt incense in the high places, and on the hills, and under every green tree. Wherefore the LORD his God delivered him into the hand of the king of Syria; and they smote him. 2 Chronicles 28:4-5

    In every several city of Judah he [Ahaz] made high places to burn incense unto other gods, and provoked to anger the LORD God of his fathers. 2 Chronicles 28:25

  17. Sanctify the house of the Lord.
  18. Sanctify the house of the LORD God of your fathers. 2 Chronicles 29:5a

  19. Remove the filthiness from the holy place.
  20. Carry forth the filthiness out of the holy place. 2 Chronicles 29:5b

  21. Don't trespass against the Lord.
  22. Our fathers have trespassed ... Wherefore the wrath of the LORD was upon Judah and Jerusalem, and he hath delivered them to trouble, to astonishment, and to hissing, as ye see with your eyes. 2 Chronicles 29:6-8

    Be not ye like your fathers, and like your brethren, which trespassed against the LORD God of their fathers, who therefore gave them up to desolation, as ye see. 2 Chronicles 30:7

  23. Don't do evil things.
  24. Our fathers have ... done that which was evil in the eyes of the LORD our God. ... Wherefore the wrath of the LORD was upon Judah and Jerusalem, and he hath delivered them to trouble, to astonishment, and to hissing, as ye see with your eyes. 2 Chronicles 29:6-8

    Manasseh ... did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD. ... For he ... wrought much evil in the sight of the LORD, to provoke him to anger. 2 Chronicles 22:1-6

    Depart from evil. Psalm 34:14, 37:27, Proverbs 3:7

    Put away evil from thy flesh. Ecclesiastes 11:10

    Put away the evil of your doings from before mine eyes; cease to do evil. Isaiah 1:16

    Return ye now every one from his evil way. Jeremiah 18:11

    Let none of you suffer as ... an evildoer. 1 Peter 4:15

  25. Don't forsake the Lord.
  26. Our fathers have ... forsaken him. ... Wherefore the wrath of the LORD was upon Judah and Jerusalem, and he hath delivered them to trouble, to astonishment, and to hissing, as ye see with your eyes. 2 Chronicles 29:6-8

    Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will bring evil upon this place ... Because they have forsaken me. 2 Chronicles 34:24-25

  27. Don't turn away your face (or back) from the habitation of the Lord.
  28. Our fathers have ... turned away their faces from the habitation of the LORD, and turned their backs. ... Wherefore the wrath of the LORD was upon Judah and Jerusalem, and he hath delivered them to trouble, to astonishment, and to hissing, as ye see with your eyes. 2 Chronicles 29:6-8

  29. Don't shut up the doors of the porch or put out the lamps.
  30. Our fathers have ... shut up the doors of the porch, and put out the lamps. ... Wherefore the wrath of the LORD was upon Judah and Jerusalem, and he hath delivered them to trouble, to astonishment, and to hissing, as ye see with your eyes. 2 Chronicles 29:7-8

  31. Minister unto the Lord.
  32. My sons, be not now negligent: for the LORD hath chosen you ... to minister unto him. 2 Chronicles 29:11

  33. Yield yourself to the Lord.
  34. Yield yourselves unto the LORD ... that the fierceness of his wrath may turn away from you. 2 Chronicles 30:8

  35. Enter the Lord's sanctuary.
  36. Enter into his sanctuary, which he hath sanctified for ever ... that the fierceness of his wrath may turn away from you. 2 Chronicles 30:8

  37. Return to the Lord.
  38. For if ye turn again unto the LORD, your brethren and your children shall find compassion before them that lead them captive, so that they shall come again into this land: for the LORD your God is gracious and merciful, and will not turn away his face from you, if ye return unto him. 2 Chronicles 30:9

    Return unto the LORD thy God. Hosea 14:1

    Turn ye unto me, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will turn unto you, saith the LORD of hosts. Zecharaiah 1:3

    Return unto me, and I will return unto you, saith the LORD of hosts. Malachi 3:7

  39. Don't build high places.
  40. Manasseh ... did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD. ... For he built again the high places which Hezekiah his father had broken down. 2 Chronicles 33:1-2

  41. Don't build altars for Baalim.
  42. Manasseh ... did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD. ... For he ... reared up altars for Baalim. 2 Chronicles 33:1-3

  43. Don't worship the host of heaven.
  44. Manasseh ... did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD. ... For he ... worshipped all the host of heaven. 2 Chronicles 33:1-3

  45. Don't serve the host of heaven.
  46. Manasseh ... did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD. ... For he ... worshipped all the host of heaven, and served them. 2 Chronicles 33:1-3

  47. Don't build altars for the host of heaven in the house of the Lord.
  48. Manasseh ... did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD. ... For he ... built altars for all the host of heaven in the two courts of the house of the LORD. 2 Chronicles 33:1-5

  49. Don't set a carved image in the house of God.
  50. Manasseh ... did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD. ... For he ... set a carved image, the idol which he had made, in the house of God. 2 Chronicles 33:1-7

  51. Burn the bones of priests upon their altars.
  52. Josiah ... did that which was right in the sight of the LORD ... And he burnt the bones of the priests upon their altars. 2 Chronicles 34:1-5

  53. Don't burn incense to other gods.
  54. Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will bring evil upon this place ... Because they ... have burned incense unto other gods. 2 Chronicles 34:24-25

Alma 45: The End Of Alma (The Guy, Not The Book)

Alma had a prophesy to share with his son, Helaman. But first, he had to make sure that he trusted him. 

And it came to pass in the nineteenth year of the reign of the judges over the people of Nephi, that Alma came unto his son Helaman and said unto him: Believest thou the words which I spake unto thee concerning those records which have been kept? Alma 45:2 
And Helaman said unto him: Yea, I believe. 45:3 
And Alma said again: Believest thou in Jesus Christ, who shall come? 45:4 
And he said: Yea, I believe all the words which thou hast spoken. 45:5 
And Alma said unto him again: Will ye keep my commandments? 45:6 
And he said: Yea, I will keep thy commandments with all my heart. 45:7

Once he was sure he could be trusted,  Alma told his son a pretty amazing prophesy. Four hundred years after Jesus was going to manifest himself to the people of Nephi, the people will dwindle in unbelief and either join the Lamanites or die.

But behold, I have somewhat  to prophesy unto thee; but what I prophesy unto thee ye shall not make known; yea, what I prophesy unto thee shall not be made known, even until the prophecy is fulfilled; therefore write the words which I shall say. 45:9 
And these are the words: Behold, I perceive that this very people, the Nephites, according to the spirit of revelation which is in me, in four hundred years from the time that Jesus Christ shall manifest himself unto them, shall dwindle in unbelief. 45:10 
Yea, and then shall they see wars and pestilences, yea, famines and bloodshed, even until the people of Nephi shall become extinct—45:11 
Yea, and this because they shall dwindle in unbelief and fall into the works of darkness, and lasciviousness, and all manner of iniquities; yea, I say unto you, that because they shall sin against so great light and knowledge, yea, I say unto you, that from that day, even the fourth generation shall not all pass away before this great iniquity shall come. 45:12 
And when that great day cometh, behold, the time very soon cometh that those who are now, or the seed of those who are now numbered among the people of Nephi, shall no more be numbered among the people of Nephi. 45:13 
But whosoever remaineth, and is not destroyed in that great and dreadful day, shall be numbered among the Lamanites, and shall become like unto them, all, save it be a few who shall be called the disciples of the Lord; and them shall the Lamanites pursue even until they shall become extinct. And now, because of iniquity, this prophecy shall be fulfilled. 45:14
Alma said that the Lord said that the land will be cursed, and every nation, kindred, tongue and people who do wicked things will be destroyed. And since everyone will either be a Lamanite (wicked) or dead, then God will pretty much curse and destroy everyone 400 years after Jesus came.

And he said: Thus saith the Lord God—Cursed shall be the land, yea, this land, unto every nation, kindred, tongue, and people, unto destruction, which do wickedly, when they are fully ripe; and as I have said so shall it be; for this is the cursing and the blessing of God upon the land, for the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance. 45:16

Then Alma blessed everyone, and left as if he was going to the land of Melek. But he was never heard from again!

And now, when Alma had said these words he blessed the church, yea, all those who should stand fast in the faith from that time henceforth. 45:17 
And when Alma had done this he departed out of the land of Zarahemla, as if to go into the land of Melek. And it came to pass that he was never heard of more; as to his death or burial we know not of. 45:18
After Alma was gone, it seems Helaman was kind of in charge. He appointed priests and teachers throughout the land, and established churches in every city.
And now it came to pass in the commencement of the nineteenth year of the reign of the judges over the people of Nephi, that Helaman went forth among the people to declare the word unto them. 45:20

Therefore, Helaman and his brethren went forth to establish the church again in all the land, yea, in every city throughout all the land which was possessed by the people of Nephi. And it came to pass that they did appoint priests and teachers throughout all the land, over all the churches. 45:22
After setting up all the churches, though, Helaman couldn't maintain control over his priests and teachers! There was a "dissension" among them, and they wouldn't listen to Helaman's words. Sounds like trouble!
And now it came to pass that after Helaman and his brethren had appointed priests and teachers over the churches that there arose a dissension among them, and they would not give heed to the words of Helaman and his brethren; 45:23
I'm guessing that exciting times are ahead, because the rebels grew proud and rich.
But they grew proud, being lifted up in their hearts, because of their exceedingly great riches; therefore they grew rich in their own eyes, and would not give heed to their words, to walk uprightly before God. 45:24

16 February 2015

Alma 44: A Scalping And A Surrender

In the last post, the Nephites and the Lamanites were fighting, but the Nephites had the better end. Before too many of the Lamanites got slaughtered, though, Moroni called them off. He told the leader of the Lamanite army, Zerahemnah, that he didn't want to kill anymore.
1 And it came to pass that they did stop and withdrew a pace from them. And Moroni said unto Zerahemnah: Behold, Zerahemnah, that we do not desire to be men of blood. Ye know that ye are in our hands, yet we do not desire to slay you. Alma 44:1
But Alma didn't want to just let them go, either, because then they would only end up fighting again. So Moroni commanded Zarahemnah and his army to lay down their weapons, and to agree to leave and not fight them again.
And now, Zerahemnah, I command you, in the name of that all-powerful God, who has strengthened our arms that we have gained power over you, by our faith, by our religion, and by our rites of worship, and by our church, and by the sacred support which we owe to our wives and our children, by that liberty which binds us to our lands and our country; yea, and also by the maintenance of the sacred word of God, to which we owe all our happiness; and by all that is most dear unto us— 44:5
Yea, and this is not all; I command you by all the desires which ye have for life, that ye deliver up your weapons of war unto us, and we will seek not your blood, but we will spare your lives, if ye will go your way and come not again to war against us. 44:6
And if not, of course, they would kill them --by inflicting "wounds of death" in their bodies until they became "extinct".

And now, if ye do not this, behold, ye are in our hands, and I will command my men that they shall fall upon you, and inflict the wounds of death in your bodies, that ye may become extinct; and then we will see who shall have power over this people; yea, we will see who shall be brought into bondage. 44:7
When Zarahemnah heard this, he came forward and handed in his weapons. He had a lot: a sword, a Scimitar, and a bow. He gave up his weapons, but told Moroni that he wasn't going to swear that they  were not going to attack again, because they would just break that promise. He was basically saying: "What's the point, Moroni? We're just going to lie to you. Let's just fight it out right now, or let us go."
And now it came to pass that when Zerahemnah had heard these sayings he came forth and delivered up his sword and his cimeter, and his bow into the hands of Moroni, and said unto him: Behold, here are our weapons of war; we will deliver them up unto you, but we will not suffer ourselves to take an oath unto you, which we know that we shall break, and also our children; but take our weapons of war, and suffer that we may depart into the wilderness; otherwise we will retain our swords, and we will perish or conquer. 44:8
"And by the way, it wasn't God that won you the battle. It was your fancy breastplates and shields."

Behold, we are not of your faith; we do not believe that it is God that has delivered us into your hands; but we believe that it is your cunning that has preserved you from our swords. Behold, it is your breastplates and your shields that have preserved you. 44:9
Alma gave back Zarahemnah's weapons and said, "Okay. Let's end this now, then."

And now when Zerahemnah had made an end of speaking these words, Moroni returned the sword and the weapons of war, which he had received, unto Zerahemnah, saying: Behold, we will end the conflict. 44:10
When Zarehamnah got his sword back, he rushed at Moroni, and tried to kill him. But before he could, one of Moroni's soldiers broke Zerahemnah's sword and then scalped him.

And now when Moroni had said these words, Zerahemnah retained his sword, and he was angry with Moroni, and he rushed forward that he might slay Moroni; but as he raised his sword, behold, one of Moroni’s soldiers smote it even to the earth, and it broke by the hilt; and he also smote Zerahemnah that he took off his scalp and it fell to the earth. And Zerahemnah withdrew from before them into the midst of his soldiers. 44:12
As if scalping Zarahemnah wasn't bad enough, the soldier took his scalp and put it on the tip of his sword and taunted the rest of the Lamanite army with it.
And it came to pass that the soldier who stood by, who smote off the scalp of Zerahemnah, took up the scalp from off the ground by the hair, and laid it upon the point of his sword, and stretched it forth unto them, saying unto them with a loud voice: 44:13
Even as this scalp has fallen to the earth, which is the scalp of your chief, so shall ye fall to the earth except ye will deliver up your weapons of war and depart with a covenant of peace. 44:14
A lot of the Lamanite army surrendered and threw down their weapons at Moroni's feet. They made a quick promise not to fight again and then ran off into the wilderness. The rest of the army rallied, though, behind Zarahemnah, who was (understandably!) pretty angry.
Now there were many, when they heard these words and saw the scalp which was upon the sword, that were struck with fear; and many came forth and threw down their weapons of war at the feet of Moroni, and entered into a covenant of peace. And as many as entered into a covenant they suffered to depart into the wilderness. 44:15
Now it came to pass that Zerahemnah was exceedingly wroth, and he did stir up the remainder of his soldiers to anger, to contend more powerfully against the Nephites. 44:16
Moroni was also pretty angry, because the Lamanites were being so stubborn. He commanded his people to start killing the Lamanites. Since they didn't have any armor on, they were pretty easy to kill.
And now Moroni was angry, because of the stubbornness of the Lamanites; therefore he commanded his people that they should fall upon them and slay them. And it came to pass that they began to slay them; yea, and the Lamanites did contend with their swords and their might. 44:17
But behold, their naked skins and their bare heads were exposed to the sharp swords of the Nephites; yea, behold they were pierced and smitten, yea, and did fall exceedingly fast before the swords of the Nephites; and they began to be swept down, even as the soldier of Moroni had prophesied. 44:18
Zarahemnah, seeing that they were all about to die, finally agreed to promise not to attack again. Moroni accepted, and the Lamanites surrendered. The Nephites took the weapons, made them enter into a covenant, and then let them go into the wilderness.
Now Zerahemnah, when he saw that they were all about to be destroyed, cried mightily unto Moroni, promising that he would covenant and also his people with them, if they would spare the remainder of their lives, that they never would come to war again against them. 44:19 
And it came to pass that Moroni caused that the work of death should cease again among the people. And he took the weapons of war from the Lamanites; and after they had entered into a covenant with him of peace they were suffered to depart into the wilderness. 44:20
There were a lot of deaths on both sides. They Nephites threw the dead bodies into the waters of Sidon, and then returned to their cities. This was the end of the eighteenth year of the judges, and also of the record of Alma. I wonder what's coming next!

Now the number of their dead was not numbered because of the greatness of the number; yea, the number of their dead was exceedingly great, both on the Nephites and on the Lamanites. 44:21 
And it came to pass that they did cast their dead into the waters of Sidon, and they have gone forth and are buried in the depths of the sea. 44:22 
And the armies of the Nephites, or of Moroni, returned and came to their houses and their lands. 44:23 
And thus ended the eighteenth year of the reign of the judges over the people of Nephi. And thus ended the record of Alma, which was written upon the plates of Nephi. 44:24

11 February 2015

God is as strong as a unicorn!

God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn. Numbers 23:22

God brought him forth out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows. Numbers 23:22

Unicorns are mentioned nine times in the King James Bible. (Numbers 23:22, 24:8; Deuteronomy 33:17; Job 39:9, 39:10; Psalm 22:21, 29:6, 92:10; Isaiah 34:7) Modern versions prefer to translate the Hebrew word re'em as "wild ox" to avoid the embarrassment having mythical creatures in the holy book. And I am often criticized (by believers and skeptics) for highlighting the "unicorns" in the SAB.

But now the issue has been settled by Dr. Elizabeth Mitchell of Answers in Genesis. The unicorns in the Bible were real, and God is just as strong as they were (maybe even stronger).

As evidence for this, Dr. Mitchell points to God's speech to Job, after God and Satan finished tormenting Job to settle their bet. God lectured Job about unicorns, saying that they were too wild and strong for anyone to tame.

Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib? Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee? Wilt thou trust him, because his strength is great? or wilt thou leave thy labour to him? Wilt thou believe him, that he will bring home thy seed, and gather it into thy barn? Job 39:9-12

God, she says, wouldn't use "an imaginary fantasy animal" to make his point (whatever that may have been).

Further, Dr. Mitchell points out "that The Bible describes unicorns ... bleeding when they die (Isaiah 34:7)." Here's the quote, in context, from Isaiah:

For my sword shall be bathed in heaven: behold, it shall come down upon Idumea, and upon the people of my curse, to judgment. The sword of the Lord is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the Lord hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea. And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. Isaiah 34:5-7

God's sword is made with fatness and filled with blood; someday God will soak the ground with unicorn blood and turn the dust into unicorn fat.

And then, as if we needed any more proof, there are the quotes from Numbers. God will "eat up the nations ... break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows." If we don't believe in unicorns, how can we believe that God will eat nations, break bones, and pierce people with his arrows?

So the Bible is clear: God is every bit as strong as a unicorn. Heck, I bet he's even stronger.

10 February 2015

Alma 43: Back to Fighting!

We made it, guys! Alma is done giving speeches to his sons, and now he's going to get back to preaching. Better yet, we're not even going to have to hear about it. Suffice it to say, Alma and his sons preached the word, and the truth, according to the spirit of prophecy and revelation.

And now it came to pass that the sons of Alma did go forth among the people, to declare the word unto them. And Alma, also, himself, could not rest, and he also went forth. Alma 43:1 
Now we shall say no more concerning their preaching, except that they preached the word, and the truth, according to the spirit of prophecy and revelation; and they preached after the holy order of God by which they were called. 43:2
So, on to the fun stuff! We return to an account of the wars between the Nephites and the Lamanites, in the 18th year of the reign of the judges.
And now I return to an account of the wars between the Nephites and the Lamanites, in the eighteenth year of the reign of the judges. 43:3
Okay, so remember the Zoramites? The guys with the funny pyramid/temples? Well, they decided to become Lamanites. And the Lamanites were getting ready to fight the Nephites. Some Amalekites joined the Lamanite coalition as well.  Meanwhile the Nephites gathered their armies together in the land of Jershon.
For behold, it came to pass that the Zoramites became Lamanites; therefore, in the commencement of the eighteenth year the people of the Nephites saw that the Lamanites were coming upon them; therefore they made preparations for war; yea, they gathered together their armies in the land of Jershon. 43:4
Thousands of Lamanites showed up in the land of Antionum, led by a man named Zerahemnah.
And it came to pass that the Lamanites came with their thousands; and they came into the land of Antionum, which is the land of the Zoramites; and a man by the name of Zerahemnah was their leader. 43:5
A very detailed battle sequence ensues, in which the Nephite army (led by a 25-year-old general named Moroni) ends up winning. Here are a few of the highlights.

The Nephites were outnumbered, but they had much better armor. Whereas the Lamanites were only wearing leather loincloths, the Nephites were wearing plate armor, and had both arm shields and head shields.
And it came to pass that he met the Lamanites in the borders of Jershon, and his people were armed with swords, and with cimeters, and all manner of weapons of war. 43:18 
And when the armies of the Lamanites saw that the people of Nephi, or that Moroni, had prepared his people with breastplates and with arm-shields, yea, and also shields to defend their heads, and also they were dressed with thick clothing— 43:19 
Now the army of Zerahemnah was not prepared with any such thing; they had only their swords and their cimeters, their bows and their arrows, their stones and their slings; and they were naked, save it were a skin which was girded about their loins; yea, all were naked, save it were the Zoramites and the Amalekites; 43:20
At first the Lamanites retreated, because they were afraid of the Nephite's new armor. When they eventually fought the Nephites, though, they fought better than they ever had before. They pierced right through the Nephite armor, and cut off the arms of the Nephites in a single stroke. They fought like friggin' dragons.
But they were not armed with breastplates, nor shields -- therefore, they were exceedingly afraid of the armies of the Nephites because of their armor, notwithstanding their number being so much greater than the Nephites. 43:21
Behold, now it came to pass that they durst not come against the Nephites in the borders of Jershon; therefore they departed out of the land of Antionum into the wilderness, and took their journey round about in the wilderness, away by the head of the river Sidon, that they might come into the land of Manti and take possession of the land; for they did not suppose that the armies of Moroni would know whither they had gone. 43:22
And they were inspired by the Zoramites and the Amalekites, who were their chief captains and leaders, and by Zerahemnah, who was their chief captain, or their chief leader and commander; yea, they did fight like dragons, and many of the Nephites were slain by their hands, yea, for they did smite in two many of their head-plates, and they did pierce many of their breastplates, and they did smite off many of their arms; and thus the Lamanites did smite in their fierce anger. 43:44
But the Nephites had a better cause (defending their wives, children, and homes), and they had God on their side. So they ended up winning the battle.
Nevertheless, the Nephites were inspired by a better cause, for they were not fighting for monarchy nor power but they were fighting for their homes and their liberties, their wives and their children, and their all, yea, for their rites of worship and their church. 43:45 
And it came to pass that they turned upon the Lamanites, and they cried with one voice unto the Lord their God, for their liberty and their freedom from bondage. 43:49 
And they began to stand against the Lamanites with power; and in that selfsame hour that they cried unto the Lord for their freedom, the Lamanites began to flee before them; and they fled even to the waters of Sidon. 43:50

Once the Nephites had surrounded the Lamanites, Moroni saw that they were terrified and he ordered his men to stop killing them.
Therefore when Zerahemnah saw the men of Lehi on the east of the river Sidon, and the armies of Moroni on the west of the river Sidon, that they were encircled about by the Nephites, they were struck with terror. 43:53 
Now Moroni, when he saw their terror, commanded his men that they should stop shedding their blood. 43:54
 That was nice of Moroni! In then next chapter we'll find out if he takes them prisoner, lets them go, or kills them...

07 February 2015

Is it wrong to burn people to death?

(I asked this question in a post back in 2008. There was no clear answer from believers then, so I thought I'd ask again now.)

At the National Prayer Breakfast, President Obama addressed the recent burning of the Jordanian pilot by the Islamic State. He condemned the "unspeakable acts of barbarism" committed in the name of Islam, but he also had this advice for Christians:

Humanity has been grappling with these questions throughout human history. And lest we get on our high horse and think this is unique to some other place, remember that during the Crusades and the Inquisition, people committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ.

Which is undeniably true, of course. Christians (Catholics and Protestants) routinely committed unspeakable acts of cruelty, including burning people to death. And they took their inspiration from the Bible.


There are three commandments in the Bible that require believers to burn people to death.

  1. If a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they. Leviticus 20:14

  2. The daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire.

  3. He that is taken with the accursed thing shall be burnt with fire, he and all that he hath. Joshua 7:15

And God not only commands his followers to burn people alive, he does it himself sometimes.

But that was Yahweh. What about about Jesus? What did he say about burning people to death?


Well, it turns out that Jesus said nothing about burning people to death. He didn't tell his followers to do it and he didn't do it himself.

But he liked the idea. A lot. He just planned to wait until people die and then burn them forever in hell. Here's what he said about it:

Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Matthew 7:19.

The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Matthew 13:41-42

If thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. Matthew 18:8-9

Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels. Matthew 25:41

And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:43-48

There was a certain rich man, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day: And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores, And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man's table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores. And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried; And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom. And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame. Luke 16:19-25

If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned. John 15:6

So that takes care of Yahweh and Jesus. What about Allah? How does he feel about burning people to death?

The Quran

Well, that is an easy question. Allah loves burning people. He mentions "the Fire" 140 times in the Quran, often with obvious relish and in great detail. Here are just a few examples:

Lo! Those who disbelieve Our revelations, We shall expose them to the Fire. As often as their skins are consumed We shall exchange them for fresh skins that they may taste the torment. 4:56

And the dwellers of the Fire cry out unto the dwellers of the Garden: Pour on us some water or some wherewith Allah hath provided you. They say: Lo! Allah hath forbidden both to disbelievers. 7:50

Thou wilt see the guilty on that day linked together in chains, Their raiment of pitch, and the Fire covering their faces. 14:49-50

We have prepared for disbelievers Fire. Its tent encloseth them. If they ask for showers, they will be showered with water like to molten lead which burneth the faces. 18:29

If those who disbelieved but knew the time when they will not be able to drive off the fire from their faces and from their backs, and they will not be helped! 21:39

But as for those who disbelieve, for them is fire of hell; it taketh not complete effect upon them so that they can die, nor is its torment lightened for them. 35:36

Those in the Fire say unto the guards of hell: Entreat your Lord that He relieve us of a day of the torment. ... the prayer of disbelievers is in vain. 40:49

Those who are immortal in the Fire and are given boiling water to drink so that it teareth their bowels. 47:15

And yet, somewhat surprisingly in light of recent events, the Quran does not command its followers to burn anyone to death. Flogging, crucifixion, amputation, and decapitation are all there, but not burning. Unless your enemy does it first -- then it's okay. (It's sort of the "Do unto others" of the Quran.)
And one who attacketh you, attack him in like manner as he attacked you. 2:194


And lastly, what about Muhammad? What did he say about burning people to death?

That's hard to say, since the existing stories about Muhammad's life and saying are completely unreliable. But here's a story from Ibn Ishaq's Life of Muhammad:

[T]he apostle gave orders to al-Zubayr b. al-Awwam, ‘Torture him until you extract what he has,’ so he kindled a fire with flint and steel on his chest until he was nearly dead. Then the apostle delivered him to Muhammad b. Maslama and he struck off his head, in revenge for his brother Mahmud.” p.515
And this from Bukhari (Book 1 Volume 11 Hadith 626):
The Prophet said, "No prayer is harder for the hypocrites than the Fajr and the 'Isha' prayers and if they knew the reward for these prayers at their respective times, they would certainly present themselves (in the mosques) even if they had to crawl." The Prophet added, "Certainly I decided to order the Mu'adh-dhin (call-maker) to pronounce Iqama and order a man to lead the prayer and then take a fire flame to burn all those who had not left their houses so far for the prayer along with their houses."

Of course, there are some contradictory stories. Here, for example, is what another Bukhari hadith says (Book 9 Volume 84 Hadith 57):

Some Zanadiqa (atheists) were brought to 'Ali and he burnt them. The news of this event, reached Ibn 'Abbas who said, "If I had been in his place, I would not have burnt them, as Allah's Apostle forbade it, saying, 'Do not punish anybody with Allah's punishment (fire).' I would have killed them according to the statement of Allah's Apostle, 'Whoever changed his Islamic religion, then kill him.'"

So perhaps Muhammad thought that burning is Allah's special punishment. And Allah doesn't like to share.

Is it wrong to burn people to death?

Yahweh, Jesus, and Muhammad all agree: It is not wrong to burn people -- dead or alive. It is, in fact, their favorite form of punishment.

So my question to believers is this: Are they wrong about that? Is it, as President Obama said, "an unspeakable act of barbarism" or is it a divinely sanctioned punishment that we should continue to administer today?

Is it wrong to burn people to death?

(My answer, by the way, is that it is wrong, always and everywhere, for anyone to burn anyone else for any crime whatsoever. Can any believer say the same?)

05 February 2015

Alma 42: Alma's final advice to Corianton

You'd think that Alma would be getting close to done lecturing his son Corianton. But you'd be foolish to doubt Alma's ability to keep talking, even when he runs out of things to say.

He launches into another speech, because he could clearly see that Corianton was concerned about the justice of God with regards to his punishment of the sinner. (How did Alma possibly know that his son was thinking this?)
And now, my son, I perceive there is somewhat more which doth worry your mind, which ye cannot understand—which is concerning the justice of God in the punishment of the sinner; for ye do try to suppose that it is injustice that the sinner should be consigned to a state of misery. Alma 42:1
However he knew, one thing was clear: a lesson was coming. Alma takes his time, but I'll sum it up.

Sinning is good, because it opens up the chance of redemption. God planned for Adam and Eve to sin, so he could later save them and the rest of mankind.
For behold, if Adam had put forth his hand immediately, and partaken of the tree of life, he would have lived forever, according to the word of God, having no space for repentance; yea, and also the word of God would have been void, and the great plan of salvation would have been frustrated. 42:5
After the fall, man had lost touch with God, but his soul was still alive, yet he had a spiritual death. So it became clear that mankind had to be reclaimed from the spiritual death. Or else.
Therefore, as the soul could never die, and the fall had brought upon all mankind a spiritual death as well as a temporal, that is, they were cut off from the presence of the Lord, it was expedient that mankind should be reclaimed from this spiritual death. 42:9
Men had become carnal, sensual and devilish, so they had to use this time to repent. Otherwise they could not recieve mercy. If they did happen to recieve mercy without repentance, then it would "destroy the work of justice". But don't worry, because the work of justice can't be destroyed, because then God would cease to be God.

This line, "Then God would cease to be God," is a new favorite of Alma's. You'll see it again, don't worry.
Therefore, as they had become carnal, sensual, and devilish, by nature, this probationary state became a state for them to prepare; it became a preparatory state. 42:10

Therefore, according to justice, the plan of redemption could not be brought about, only on conditions of repentance of men in this probationary state, yea, this preparatory state; for except it were for these conditions, mercy could not take effect except it should destroy the work of justice. Now the work of justice could not be destroyed; if so, God would cease to be God. 42.13
Okay, so men need redemption, and they can't be redeemed unless there is a punishment, and so that explains heaven and hell.
Now, repentance could not come unto men except there were a punishment, which also was eternal as the life of the soul should be, affixed opposite to the plan of happiness, which was as eternal also as the life of the soul. 42.16
A man also can't repent unless he's sinned first. And a person can't sin without a law. And there can't be any laws without punishments. So we need a bunch of punishments first, and then we can figure out some laws, and then we can figure out who has sinned, and then they can repent, and then they can get mercy, and then they can go to heaven. QED.
Now, how could a man repent except he should sin? How could he sin if there was no law? How could there be a law save there was a punishment? 42.17
 Without laws, murderers won't be afraid that they will die, and men won't realize they have sinned. Justice and mercy wouldn't exist, and neither would God.
Now, if there was no law given—if a man murdered he should die—would he be afraid he would die if he should murder? 42:19
 And also, if there was no law given against sin men would not be afraid to sin. 42:20
 And if there was no law given, if men sinned what could justice do, or mercy either, for they would have no claim upon the creature? 42:21
 But there is a law given, and a punishment affixed, and a repentance granted; which repentance, mercy claimeth; otherwise, justice claimeth the creature and executeth the law, and the law inflicteth the punishment; if not so, the works of justice would be destroyed, and God would cease to be God. 42:22

But of course, (according to Alma) God exists, and so does mercy, and so everyone who repents is good to go. Phew! But watch out, because only the "truly penitent" are saved.
But God ceaseth not to be God, and mercy claimeth the penitent, and mercy cometh because of the atonement; and the atonement bringeth to pass the resurrection of the dead; and the resurrection of the dead bringeth back men into the presence of God; and thus they are restored into his presence, to be judged according to their works, according to the law and justice. 42:23
 For behold, justice exerciseth all his demands, and also mercy claimeth all which is her own; and thus, none but the truly penitent are saved. 42:24
Here Alma poses a good question. He asks if mercy robs justice. This is often a problem that people pose with redemption through faith instead of through works. Should a mass murderer go to heaven if he repents right before excecution?

Yes, apparently. Or else God would cease to be God. I'm convinced.
What, do ye suppose that mercy can rob justice? I say unto you, Nay; not one whit. If so, God would cease to be God. 42:25
So, whoever does good deeds and repents of their sins will go to heaven, and the rest will go to hell. Sounds pretty straightforward.
Therefore, O my son, whosoever will come may come and partake of the waters of life freely; and whosoever will not come the same is not compelled to come; but in the last day it shall be restored unto him according to his deeds. 42:27 
If he has desired to do evil, and has not repented in his days, behold, evil shall be done unto him, according to the restoration of God. 42:28
Alma tells his son to stop making excuses for himself, and to go be humble, and to go preach the word to the people.

Also, stay sober, son.

O my son, I desire that ye should deny the justice of God no more. Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point because of your sins, by denying the justice of God; but do you let the justice of God, and his mercy, and his long-suffering have full sway in your heart; and let it bring you down to the dust in humility. 42:30 
And now, O my son, ye are called of God to preach the word unto this people. And now, my son, go thy way, declare the word with truth and soberness, that thou mayest bring souls unto repentance, that the great plan of mercy may have claim upon them. And may God grant unto you even according to my words. Amen. 42:31

02 February 2015

Possibly Gay Bible Stories: Elijah and the dead boy

(From Chapter 4 of Strange Flesh: The Bible and Homosexuality by Steve Wells)
When Elijah was staying at a widow’s house, her son became ill and died.
The son of the woman, the mistress of the house, fell sick; and his sickness was so sore, that there was no breath left in him. 1 Kings 17:17
Elijah told the woman to give him the dead child. He then took the boy to his room and laid him on his bed.
And he [Elijah] said unto her, Give me thy son. And he took him out of her bosom, and carried him up into a loft, where he abode, and laid him upon his own bed. 17:19
Elijah then stretched himself upon the child three times, and asked God to bring him back to life.1
And he stretched himself upon the child three times, and cried unto the LORD, and said, O LORD my God, I pray thee, let this child's soul come into him again. 17:21

And God heard him and cured the boy.

And the LORD heard the voice of Elijah; and the soul of the child came into him again, and he revived. 1 Kings 17:22
Here is Keith Sharpe’s response in The Gay Gospels:
Why does Elijah insist on doing this in private, and why does he get on top of the boy three times? … Obviously it looks like some kind of sexual act which might be real or simulated.2
Theodore Jennings suspects that the boy’s warming flesh was an erection, like old King David’s heat in 1 Kings 1:1-4.
After the first intimate action in Elisha’s bed, we are told that the lad’s flesh becomes warm. … [T]he warming of the body by bodily proximity seems to aim at sexual arousal as the sign of bodily vitality.3

  1. A similar story is told about Paul in Acts with the reviving of Eutychus.
    Paul went down, and fell on him, and embracing him said, Trouble not yourselves; for his life is in him. Acts 20:10
  2. Keith Sharpe, The Gay Gospels, p. 132.

  3. Theodore Jennings, Jr., Jacob's Wound, 103.

01 February 2015

If there was a God, she'd be rooting for the Patriots

Here's what Tom Brady had to say about it:
Why should people care about football at all? "They shouldn't," sayeth the Brady. "Look at the attention I get: It's because I throw a football. But that's what society values. That's not what God values. God could give a shit, as far as I'm concerned. He didn't invent the game. We did. I have some eye-hand coordination, and I can throw the ball. I don't think that matters to God."
And he's right about that.

God doesn't give a shit about football. Because God doesn't exist.

But if she did, she'd be a Patriot fan. (And you should be too.)